Funny Status Messages

   Dog's Facebook status: Tried to save the master from the vacuum cleaner today… He just yelled at me.

   ''Hey, How was your Blind date?'' ''Terrible! He showed up in a 1932 Rolls Royce!''......''What's so terrible about that?''.....''He was the original owner!!!''

   Thats the last time I ever sleep with an elementary teacher. I woke up with a great job sticker on my stomach.

   Most popular words spoken by a Pastor today..."Wow ...I haven't seen you since last Easter "

   The only thing worse than finding out you were given up for adoption would be finding out it was Rick Astley who gave you up.

   I keep a xylophone on me at all times,, just incase I have to tip toe anywhere

   If you workout and don't post a status about it on Facebook, do you still lose weight?

   The 5-second rule should also apply to anything a guy says to a woman. If she looks like she is getting angry, we have 5-seconds to take it back.

   Remember when the only hatred that existed here was directed at Nickelback? Good times.

   I tried to keep up with the Kardashians but now it burns when I pee

   To all you single ladies out there, as winter slowly approaches I am offering you a good high quality man blanket for this winter. Claim me now while supplies last. . .

   I can't help but feel important when someone says there's a special place in hell for people like me.

   Expecting your guy to be romantic all the time is like expecting you to behave like a porn star all the time.

   I tried exercise but I was allergic to it. My skin flushed and my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath. Very dangerous.

   Do what you love, but run like hell as soon as you hear the sirens.

   Box wine? I prefer the term Cardboardeaux.

   My therapist told me I should quit drinking alcohol and caffeine. I laughed and said "Maybe you're the crazy one!!"

   The idiot that wrote about the "Porshes and Mexicans" knows how to spell Porsche.

   The phrase “I need to talk to you” has the ability to strike fear into the heart of anyone

   I'm on hold now for 38 minutes... But that's ok.... I'm very important to them...and the best part is they don't get tired of admitting it over and over and over again.