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You know you're in America when you can buy replacement cartridges of ink for $29.25, or buy a brand new printer with ink for $39.95. 
Morning cardio routine: Stretch. Gravity Hand Slam on snooze button. Pull arm back under covers. Roll over. Wait 9 Minutes. Repeat
Men expecting regular women to act like porn stars is similar to women expecting men to act like the sensitive hunks in romantic comedies.
loves eating big meals. I especially love a 7 course meal, of which my best is a cheese burger and a six pack of beer.....
If I could pick winning football teams half as well as I pick the stupidest, slowest cashier in Walmart, I could afford to shop elsewhere.
Remember as we are planing for our tomorrows, our brave soilders are giving theirs today.. Have a safe an wonderful Memorial weekend everyone!!
While single, focus on becoming a better person instead of focusing on finding someone better than your ex. A better you will attract a better next.
Guys...Wanna feel appreciated by your woman? Tighten all the the jar and bottle lids in the house, then leave for a day or two.
When I'm at a bar I aways look for a girl who has a tattoo. I see a tattoo, and I think, here's a girl who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future.
In a recent survey into blow jobs, and why men like them so much 6% liked the feeling, 12% liked the excitement and 82% just like the peace and quiet.
Pharmacists should stuff every third prescription bottle with one of those snakes that pops out at you... cuz laughter is the best medicine.
That akward moment when a Zombie is looking for brains and it walks right past you..
If you pull the pin out of a grenade, can you put it back in and let go? I'm going to need a quick answer for this....
hopes that all of you are practicing your "Oh my God, I LOVE it!" face? We're getting closer...
It's tough to control a fear of abandonment issue when your therapist doesn't show up for your appointment.
Popeye was a lonely sailor. No wonder he had such big forearms
Lower your expectations and I will totally amaze you.
Just watched Jersey Shore for 5 minutes and now I realize why we have to do things like write "do not eat" on dry silica packets.
Try this for fun: Go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on people's cars saying "Sorry for the damage." Watching them is priceless.
Before Facebook, if I read something really funny I would laugh. Now I just click the "Like" button without changing my facial expression at all. 