Funny Status Messages

   I think before we give the government any more money, they need to start showing us some receipts.

   Why don't we ever hear anyone bragging about their Allstate safe driving bonus checks?

   If the US government shutdown affected alcohol or internet porn they’d have it fixed by tomorrow morning...

   Not sure if I logged into Facebook or the Cartoon Network.

   I don’t have instagram, so I thought you guys should know I had Starbucks this morning. The cup was super cool looking. I also saw a rainbow

   I often worry about the safety of my children, especially the one that is rolling their eyes at me & talking back right now.

   I can almost always tell if a movie doesn't use real dinosaurs

   I wonder how long I'd be on hold if my call wasn't important to them..

   Study finds that a man looks into a woman's eyes for 8.2 seconds if he is attracted to her, 4.5 seconds if he is not, and 0.0 seconds if she's a C-cup or above

   Think of a number 1 through 10. Double it, Subtract 1, add 20, multiply it by 5, add 2, divide by 2, close your eyes, dark, isn't it?

   The "Reply All" button should be password protected.

   hates it when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. For the fifth time, I do not want to go to your cat's birthday party, freak. My dog is getting married

   You know your'e getting old when you think an XBOX is where you keep your divorce papers.

   Sunday marks the birth of America, which Americans celebrate by combining their love of drinking with their love of explosives.

   The trouble with life is there's no background music

   Whoever is in charge of making sure I don't do dumb stuff is fired.

   70% of you might think I'm being disingenuous when I say I'm surprised that you "like" my status...The other 30% are googling "disingenuous"...

   Iron Man is a superhero. Iron Woman is a command.

   Ironically, it's really hard when you suffer from impotency

   ...and then Buffy staked Edward. The end