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Twitter account ✔ Facebook ✔ Google Plus ✔ Youtube ✔ Messenger✔ Skype ✔ "Dude do you have a life?" "OMG!! No, send me the link!" :P 
❒Single ❒Taken ✔ Unable to find love because my standards have been set unrealistically high after mentally dating a celebrity.
The irony of a blow job; Even though you've got her on her knees, she still has got you by the balls!
Ladies; if you don't know how to dance, just spell your name with your butt. Problem solved.
HR have advised that I’m not allowed to ask my chubby co-workers if they ate my missing stapler.
That moment when you see your EX with that person they told you not to worry about during your relationship...
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Nothing says "I've already given up on this day" quite like a Taco Bell breakfast.
A vegan friend on FB said if we had to kill our own food, we wouldn't eat meat... I think if he had to build his own computer he'd couldn't whine on FB.
Turns out, pounding a wooden stake through a vampire's heart works even if the guy's not a vampire.
I’m so old, I can remember going through a whole day without taking a picture of anything.
Sometimes I spend whole meetings wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door.
I think instead of doing laundry I'm just going to buy a second hamper...
Just found out that being a "person of interest" is not as cool as it sounds.
When you think all the way back to being sperm, we are all winners.
I would take a bullet for u.. Not the head but like in the leg or something....
I understand you got your swag on, but could you walk a lil faster...?
Wow!!, What a day..I volunteered at a soup kitchen, mowed my lawn,, went to 2 Birthday parties,, ran 6 miles,, then told a BUNCH of lies on Facebook.
I just balanced my checking account, and discovered that I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something or pay a bill.
I Speak Fluent Sarcasm.... 