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TEIAM - problem solved 
Whoever said the camera adds 10 pounds should stop eating cameras.
There's nothing worse than loving someone who's never going to stop disappointing you.
Skinny jeans aren't for everybody...
Not to brag, but I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.
Tip: if you're going to call out sick, make sure your co-workers aren't your FB friends and can see the pics you posted drunk last night
Sunday marks the birth of America, which Americans celebrate by combining their love of drinking with their love of explosives.
We have 50 friends in common and I still have no idea who the hell you are
Whatever doesn't kill me makes me all like, "Whoa! That was close!"
when I smash a bug on the wall or ceiling I like to keep it there as a warning to the others..
You can do a thousand GOOD things and a a hundred GREAT things. But if you do just one BAD thing, people will remember you for that.
The hostess said to sit wherever I want, but the couple at this table are giving each other weird looks and have totally stopped talking.
Somewhere, someone is thinking about you and the impact you made in their life.... It's not me, I think you're a prick.
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to D!ck, Especially since his name is Steve.
TOP MISTAKES MARRIED MEN MAKE: 1) Doing things... 2) Not doing things... 3) Thinking about doing things... 4) Not thinking about doing things...
I watched the deleted scenes from a p0rno last night. Turns out he did fix the washing machine after all.
I really wanted to remarry the woman I divorced a year ago, but she said I was only after my money.
I'm convinced that homeless people have all the shopping carts with 4 good wheels.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you're ignorant and make bad decisions.
I don’t trust public opinion polls because they don’t take into consideration the fact that the public is made up of mostly idiots. 