Funny Status Messages

   That moment when you spell a word so wrong that even auto-correct is like "I got nothing, man."

   I get my: Cereal from a tiger, Insurance from a gecko, Toilet paper from a bear, Financial advice from a gorilla. It's people I don't trust.

   That'll teach the bltch to keep the house in the divorce... Before I left, I set 3 white rats free in the house with 1, 2, & 4 written on their backs.

   Archie Buinker & George Jefferson together again......in a much better place!!!

   May need to leave Facebook until after the election so I can maintain respect for some of my family and friends

   When the cable goes out, I like to sit down and do some writing. ...Usually a check to the cable company.

   The American dream is no longer owning your own home. Its moving out of moms.

   i hate that little line of dirt that I can never get into the dust pan...

   Deja Vu: When God thinks something is so funny he has to rewind it to show it to his friends.

   I always go the extra mile. The restraining order says I have to.

   Thanks ABC News, if it wasn't for your extensive news coverage, I wouldn't have known that it gets hot outside in the middle of July. 

   If you know I'm I the car and you continue to text me, you basically want me dead...

   Motivation= get on treadmill naked in front of mirror

   So the government spies on us all the time and its no big deal, but someone hacks in and steals celebretards nudies and its a national emergency? SMH

   Guests are coming over for Thanksgiving... Almost time to booby trap the medicine cabinet with marbles.

   I am really looking forward to my favorite Thanksgiving tradition. Watching the "Black Friday" shoppers at Walmart trampling each other on the evening news.

   I had this one night stand a few weeks ago but I wasn't satisfied with the craftsmanship so I returned it and got a bedside table instead...

   It’s like I was put on this earth so unstable people have somebody to date.

   “Don’t make me regret this.” -things I think when accepting a friend request.

   Want people to leave you alone? Tuck in your sweater.