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Only Peyton can still set Super Bowl record while team is behind a hundred points 
I know how the North won the Civil War - They used snow machines....
Happy unimaginative, consumerist-oriented and entirely arbitrary, manipulative and shallow interpretation of romance day.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like "oh"
When I'm down to my last bit of weed, I like to take my time and savor the thought of who will be my first stabbing victim.
Time Management training? I can't go to that. I'm too busy!
I wonder if the receptionist at the sperm bank has ever used this phrase, "Thanks for coming"....
SON: There's a monster under my bed... ME: That's monsters' name is Mark, he lives there now... SON: Wha????... ME: times are tough, we need the cash... MARK: I'm trying to sleep
When a girl says she cares more about what's inside a guy she means what's inside his wallet...
that a bottle of Prozac in your pocket or are you just sad to see me?
Fun Fact: Prostitution exists among some animals too. They prostitute themselves for things like stones or food.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
"I'm turning over a new leaf" -Adam telling Eve that he's seeing another woman
“How about a rope that's angry all the time” – GOD WHILE CREATING SNAKES
Let's smoke enough pot so that we make even less sense than the meaning of 4/20.
I wish there was a way to musically tell someone to pour sugar on you.
Sure, we can bury the hatchet. How about in your head?
I'm seriously going to become a marriage councelor and whenever couples come to me, my therapy would be making them both browse through a dating website for 30 minutes.
Single women wearing matching bra and panties; I am sure the inside of your clothes really appreciate it.
Friends make the worst enemies 