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Some people only pick up a Bible when they want a tattoo. 
FYI – If I tell you that you’re “special to me”, know that I’m just trying to be politically correct…
Fake people have an image to maintain. Real people just don't give a sh it.
I hope my death somehow involves a shrimp fork.
My bed always shows signs of struggle in the morning.
The tv remote fell under the bed so I guess it’s TBS, on an uncomfortably high volume, for the next 5 years
ohh Crimea a river Ukraine... -Steven E. Hewlett jr (Too SOON INC)
What are the chances that someone on that missing plane has a volleyball?
She died doing what she loved......bringing up old sh*t.
Real women don't label themselves as 'Dimes', 'Barbies', or 'Bad Bitćhes' because real men don't carry loose change, play with toy dolls, or wife dogs.
Why is it when you go to the bank and ask for a loan the first thing you have to do is prove that you don't need it?
Girls are never cuter than when they pretend that they’re easy going at the start of the relationship
Sometimes I stand in front of the mirror naked just to remind myself what nobody's getting.
Diamonds are the hardest substance in the world. To get back from a woman.
Ladies, if he calls you crazy don't react to it by acting all crazy..
Behind a nagging woman.... there's a man who is not doing what he's supposed to!
The Bible tells us to love our neighbours, and also to love our enemies,probably because generally they are the same people!
A lot of people cry when chopping Onions......the trick is not to form an emotional bond
I wonder what its like to fart in zero gravity. Does it like…propel you forward? These are things people need to know NASA!
Woke up at 5 am. Early to bed early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise. Not to mention completely delusional about being healthy, wealthy, and wise. 