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I hate it when I accidentally fill up on crayons before my food comes out 
You know the part of your bumhole that supposedly tells you if it's just a fart, or it's actually crap?... Yah, My dad needs a new one of those
Anyone know where I can get a medic alert bracelet for "does not make small talk?"
Guy ahead of me at the ATM left his receipt and my balance is higher, so yeah, today is a good day after all!!
Oh, I'm just a social drinker. Every time someone says, 'I'll have a drink', I say, 'So shall I
We get it, media. Ben Affleck and Bill Mahr argued over Islam. Isn't there some real news to report??
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they're not passing you some fake sh it.
A doctor told me to smoke weed everyday. His name is Dr Dre
No, you may not "axe" me a question. I don't speak Walmart.
I'm not saying I'm psychic, but I'm positive I will have no interest in what you're about to say.
the Washington redskins should change their name to the foreskins, they could wear purple helmets
What has 32 teeth and holds back the Incredible Hulk??? MY ZIPPER!!!!
How come we can put a man on the moon but we can't made a smoke alarm that can differentiate between a house fire and cooking sausages?
Dear Santa, the cookies are real,, NOT gluten free, and there's normal mink,, NOT soy milk,,,, so you don't sh *t all over our chimney like last year
The Happy Meal at Taco Bell comes with a pair of clean underwear.
This Halloween I am going as a Bacon Ninja... not sure how to do it, but it sounds funny.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it's not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
When someone you love walks away, they take your entire world with them.
When you're truly beautiful you don't need to remind people in every other selfie caption.
How much for that babysitter? Ma'am, that's a roll of duct tape I'll take it! 