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: I am thankful that they finally discovered that the Tortoise was using Performance Enhacing Drugs in the race with the Hare. 
Because only in America, people trample others for sales exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have
The best part of hooking up with a MILF is leaving in the morning with a juice box and fruit rollups.
Why the hell don’t liquor stores have Black Friday sales?
Compliments are for women. Accusations are for men.
Dramas are for women. Rationnals are for men.
Always choose a proctologist with a good buttside manner.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
I think Americans need to find out who makes terrorist passports, apparently those things survive plane crashes and suicide bombs
Well No money November is going well this year
Well on a positive note, Charlie Sheen.
The Wizard of Oz is 70 years old. Today, if Dorothy were to encounter men with no brains, no hearts, and no balls, she wouldn't be in Oz. She would be in congress...
I asked what to bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I'm bringing a wireless router.
Sometimes when I'm in the shower I have epiphanies of intellectual brilliance. Other times I just think about chips and dip
I'm sorry I dropped your baby when the theme from Friends came on and I had to clap along.
When I'm on my deathbed, I'm definitely going to ask if I can be moved to a different bed.
Went to my niece's elementary school field day this week... I won every single event... Every... Single... Event.
I drink Gatorade when I'm dehydrated because it replaces lost sodium, potassium, and yellow #5.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk... I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
My neighbor told me he childproofed his house. And the very next day his wife came home with a newborn... Worst... Childproofer... Ever.
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