Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Girls are always hollar'n "I'm sick of thirsty guys!" Not all of us a thristy. Some of us are hungry........so make me a sammich.....

   I turned off the tv; what was the point of watching one boring moth-er-fucker after another one.

   if I had a dollar for everytime somebody said I was pretty ... ive had one dollar -thanx mom!

   That was the worst presidential roast I've ever seen. Comedy Central would have done a better job.

   Has anyone ever checked their credit score and got a sad face emoji in place of the number? Asking for a friend.

   This Halloween I'm going to be my wife and just complain all day.

   Dear gym addicts, We don't care if it's leg day, chest day or arm day. Today is get a life day. Yours sincerely, The rest of the world

   What I have survived could kill 99% of you.

   I used to say that I wanted to make ridiculous amounts of money. I think I should have chosen my words more carefully.

   When poverty comes in at the door, love flies out of the window.

   Bruce Jenner winning Glamour's woman of the year award just proves that men are better than women at everything, including being a woman.

   Whatever you are doing, always give 100%. Unless you are donating blood.

   Why isnt' the tooth fairy a symbol of Halloween? Thank about it.

   strongly suspects that the cable, that was holding the blimp, was installed by Comcast.

   I need a high quality Storm Trooper outfit. Not for Halloween. Just to wear around the house, go shopping in, and wear in the bedroom. Also need to get the wife an R2D2 costume for the same purpose...ok mostly for the bedroom.

   Date night with the wife tonight... It'll be nice to argue and fight in public for a change.

   A good way to keep a secret from me is to leave it on my voicemail

   *2025... There's only one smoker left in the world... The Quit Smoking ads on tv get personal.... HEY STEVE, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.

   It's like grandma always said, "Buy a selfie stick and you're out of my will."

   My therapist goes to her therapist five minutes after I leave.