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Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump
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Thought for sure I'd get Vicoden or Percocet, but my optometrist only prescribed reading glasses
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09-04-2015 15:58 by
unknown comic
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I only use elevators for one thing. Surprise group hugs
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09-04-2015 15:59 by
huck
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When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
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09-04-2015 16:02 by
huck
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Truth time: I've been cheating on my diet. With a younger, more attractive diet.
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09-04-2015 16:04 by
unknown comic
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Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a "runner's high" is.
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09-04-2015 16:04 by
unknown comic
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If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck WHAT IS IT DOING HERE I'M TRYING TO SLEEP
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09-04-2015 16:05 by
flinnie
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If you'd asked me to guess which groups would be really into wearing sunglasses, I would not have gotten 'blind people.'
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09-04-2015 16:10 by
flinnie
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WHAT DO WE NOT WANT? -no scrubs! WHERE DO WE NOT WANT THEM? -hangin out the passenger side of his best friends ride
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09-04-2015 16:12 by
unknown comic
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Wow. I have 4 events today, none of which I agreed to go to or expressed any interest in whatsoever. Thanks, Facebook!
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09-04-2015 16:13 by
huck
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Strangers thousands of miles away sharing their emotions and making you smile at times ... Perhaps technology has not failed us after all.
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09-04-2015 16:19
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"The Carpet Exchange" is not where lesbian swingers meet.
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09-04-2015 18:00
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If there is a parallel universe out their with another me who's my opposite. He got universe where the usb goes in the right way first time....I'm the other guy.
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09-04-2015 23:10
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Saturday,,,, an Olympic hopeful was killed with a starter pistol....... Police think it might be race related
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09-05-2015 02:54 by
snotty
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My boss wants me to take a training class in Time Management. Yeah. Like I'm supposed to be able to fit that into my already overloaded schedule.
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09-05-2015 08:15
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I got the kids Frozen yesterday... and the sperm bank only charged me $100 for doing it...
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09-05-2015 08:30 by
Gabe
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Why can't they just put the power bank batteries on phones and save us all the trouble
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09-05-2015 09:20
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The best part about having multiple personalities is that you're never alone.
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09-05-2015 09:53
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To find out your author name, simply take your first and last names, write a book,, get it published, and read the name on the cover.
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09-05-2015 09:55 by
snotty
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[me narrating a documentary about an octopus].... Look at this fat, wet spider.
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09-05-2015 11:01 by
snotty
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A black James Bond? Wouldn't work.... He'd be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
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09-05-2015 11:03 by
snotty
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