Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Thought for sure I'd get Vicoden or Percocet, but my optometrist only prescribed reading glasses

   I only use elevators for one thing. Surprise group hugs

   When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.

   Truth time: I've been cheating on my diet. With a younger, more attractive diet.

   Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a "runner's high" is.

   If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck WHAT IS IT DOING HERE I'M TRYING TO SLEEP

   If you'd asked me to guess which groups would be really into wearing sunglasses, I would not have gotten 'blind people.'

   WHAT DO WE NOT WANT? -no scrubs! WHERE DO WE NOT WANT THEM? -hangin out the passenger side of his best friends ride

   Wow. I have 4 events today, none of which I agreed to go to or expressed any interest in whatsoever. Thanks, Facebook!

   Strangers thousands of miles away sharing their emotions and making you smile at times ... Perhaps technology has not failed us after all.

   "The Carpet Exchange" is not where lesbian swingers meet.

   If there is a parallel universe out their with another me who's my opposite. He got universe where the usb goes in the right way first time....I'm the other guy.

   Saturday,,,, an Olympic hopeful was killed with a starter pistol....... Police think it might be race related

   My boss wants me to take a training class in Time Management. Yeah. Like I'm supposed to be able to fit that into my already overloaded schedule.

   I got the kids Frozen yesterday... and the sperm bank only charged me $100 for doing it...

   Why can't they just put the power bank batteries on phones and save us all the trouble

   The best part about having multiple personalities is that you're never alone.

   To find out your author name, simply take your first and last names, write a book,, get it published, and read the name on the cover.

   [me narrating a documentary about an octopus].... Look at this fat, wet spider.

   A black James Bond? Wouldn't work.... He'd be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.