Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   The devil you know is better than the devil you don't. Unless the devil you know is Steve "Goat Hooves" Kapinski. That guy's the worst.

   Pretty sure you could "pull life support" from me just by turning off the a/c

   Bob didn't know the meaning of the word surrender. Nor could he spell it. Signing up for the Spelling Bee to meet girls had been a mistake.

   Finally woke up before the birds, gonna go scream at them.

   If you look closely at my 13.1 sticker, you can see a tiny asterisk leading to another sticker that says " *ft."

   Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? I mean EVERY TIME! It's freakish and it can't really be safe.

   I dance like people wish they weren't watching.

   Out of all the lies I've told, "Just kidding" is my favorite.

   Diet goal: I want to lose just enough so that my hand will fit comfortably in a Pringles can...

   "I fear no man," I whisper, trembling before a group of women.

   My biggest fear is meeting my soulmate in Arkansas and finding out she's a product of Centuries of inbreeding.

   The only exercise I've done this month is running out of money

   Girls must buy $500 purses just to impress other girls. No guy has ever said "Bro, she was ugly...but that purse...I had to smash."

   I respect womens opinions until they say they're in a relationship.

   If you get Mickey Mouse ears at Disney World, what do you get at Dollywood?

   Thank God for yoga pants because I used up all of my imgination back in the 90's descrambling cable tv porn.

   When the morning hits your eye like a big smelly cow pie.... That's A-Mon-dayyyyyy......

   Just completed my sexual harassment training and I think I'm finally ready to start harassing people.

   so they're growing their own vegetables on an International Space Station that cost billions of dollars and it's still cheaper than Whole Foods.

   The only reason the national nightly news is still on is to show all the new drug commercials.