Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Females don't want much from you except your time, attention, space, food, shirts, fun, bed covers, passwords, credit cards, life, soul......

   Well, I've never had a hot carl before, but I certainly came close watching the State of the Union

   Plot twist: The Patriots deflated balls to keep the game close.

   At the end of Goonies, Chunk says to Sloth, “you’re gonna live with me now.” Why isn’t that a movie yet?

   i wonder why all 3 insurance companies don't combine & call themselves "Alstate Farm Bureau"

   in another 40 years, i'll have a set of patriot balls

   Take me seriously at your own risk.

   Does anyone shoop anymore?

   It’s 2015, why don’t we have hover-boards yet?” he typed into a pocket-sized device that can do everything

   Her: Who's your favorite Kardashian? Me: Gul Dukat.

   Dear media: please stop rhyming things with the word "Gate"

   If Obama can break the rules, so can the Patriots dammit.

   You bring a baby monitor to the bar one time and everyone freaks out.

   Just once I'd like a doctor to tell me I'm not getting enough beer in my diet.

   My son said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like "That won't work you idiot. Go get my umbrella".

   When I said make yourself at home I meant go wash my dishes.

   Didn't even finish microwaving this Lean Cuisine before the suicide prevention hotline called me..

   It's nice to get married and finally know who the number one suspect in your murder case will be

   Welcome to laser noises club. Please take a pew, pew....pew!

   It's okay I'll text myself back.