Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Unarmed does NOT always mean NOT dangerous.

   90% of the time, haters only exist in people's heads.

   A mass wedding is also called a mass suicide

   The first time I saw you, my heart whispered: "That's The One" and my d*ck concurred, “I would tap that”

   My daughter kicked me out of her imaginary tea party when I asked if she had any vodka.

   Weather you want to face it or not heaven is real

   My "stare at you but don't speak" game is too strong

   Before you have any hope for the future of humanity, come and look at how this guy parked.

   If it's wrong to catapult rotting, infected cow corpses into the neighboring village, why does it feel so right?

   If there's a "Mr." in front of your cat's name you're going to die alone.

   My therapist says I'm paranoid, which is exactly what you might expect from a shapeshifting lizard hired by the CIA to track my whereabouts.

   No thanks, contemporary Christmas music.

   What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else

   whenever I hear that customer service calls are going to be recorded I do one of my raps because I’m done paying for studio time

   FACT: Every zoo is a petting zoo if you’re brave enough.

   The holidays are a good time to think about those less fortunate than you. Aaaaaaand done.

   Science shows having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die

   There'll be parties for hosting, marshmallows for toasting, and Sally out in the snow. Come on, guys, let Sally back inside.

   I'll put my phone down when I'm dead on the outside too

   My cat will only eat the most expensive cat food out there.....and also lick his own butt hole.