Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Interviewer: "can you explain this gap in your employment history?"... My high score on Flappy Bird is 763...

   "Hmmm, It says on your resumé that you..."can dodge flying poop?.. and "enjoys acting like a chimpanzee?"... "Ummm yes, that's correct"

   [My son giving the eulogy at my funeral] My dad once told me.. *he pauses to wipe away tears.. the world is gonna roll me, I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed....

   The year is 2170... All fossil fuels are depleted... Our only source for coal is Santa Claus... Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.

   HOLIDAY HACK: *Holds finger up, and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I've been..

   *On a date... And the 3 teardrop tattoos on my cheek represent the times I lost to my brother at Mario Kart.

   If one of Santa's helpers takes a picture of himself with his smartphone, is that an "elfie"?

   This morning, due to a massive storm, at least 150,000 people in San Francisco were left without power. Of course, people in San Francisco without power are usually called Republicans.

   Kobe is about to pass MJ in points scored. He already leads 1-0 in rapes.

   Dear Santa don't drink the milk at Bill Cosby's house!!!

   Please God take me back to being 12 & let me start again & mess up my life in an entirely different way. I have fresh ideas.

   People don't call each other jive ass turkey enough nowadays.

   I'm white but not "hires someone to hang my Christmas lights" white...

   Exercise? I thought you said "extra fries".

   When she pulls away, pull her closer. Women are just complicated like that.

   I am so thankful and grateful that out of all the planets in the universe, we live on one with pizza and vodka.

   Does anyone on Facebook ever actually get laid? Asking for me.

   Happy 12/13/14.

   haven't been this hungover since yesterday

   If there are any elves on my shelves I hope they are dusting.