Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I wish gyms had a "montage" option

   A drunk walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck. The bartender says, "You can stay but don't try to start anything."

   I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth

   Doctor: You have bronchitis Me: OMG I've always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?

   Seriously, who the hell goes to North Korea and expect to have a good time there?

   Maybe her drawn eyebrows are all she has left.

   Man is the only animal that blushes - or needs to.

   I may not be 2014 healthy,,, but I'm 1814 healthy.

   So if your invited to someone's 4th marriage is it wrong to give them a gift certificate to a good divorce attorney?

   Not to brag or anything,,, but I got the high score on my bathroom scale today.

   It's what's on the inside that counts... *Except chocolate covered raisins.

   The guy who flushed the toilet on my teleconference was my hero... Then, After NOT hearing the faucet turn on,, he's also the real terrorist.

   if I was a bears fan tonight is as good as any to quit that bad habit.

   Hey Rob Lowe,,, You should have called,,,, I would have loaned you a couple of bucks!!

   I get the same feeling at the dentist that I get when a cop car is behind me; I haven't done anything wrong, but I feel incredibly guilty.

   You're wrong. - First Rule of Right Club

   Stranger: nice to meet you Me: give it time

   I was going to have sex with you , but you said okie dokie

   If you're afraid of the Dentist, it's probably because you don't go to the Dentist...

   I almost had a 3som last night, I just needed 2 more people.