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If you don't do stupid things while you're young, you won't have anything to smile and talk about when you're old 
One thing parenting has taught me- telling a kid they're tired is like telling a drunk person they're drunk. Anger and denial follows
You're saying, “Capital punishment shouldn't even be a debate. You deserve to be put to death if you take a life." You mean, you’ve never been wrongfully accused of doing something or the justice system is an angel.
Play Closing Time at my funeral because it's likely I died trying to change the radio station when it came on.
Buy a "World's Greatest Boss" mug and drink out of it in front of your boss.
I think the Worst Part about admitting you are an Alcoholic ..is People expect you to Quit Drinking.
If video games have taught me anything, it's that if you encounter enemies then you're going the right way.
The condoms need to be located in the fu*king baby aisle Next to the 30 dollar diapers and 20 dollar formula cans
Nice try whatsapp but I still don't feel bad about ignoring people's messages.
Everyone’s beautiful on the inside. Some people just need a few good stab holes to let that beauty out.
Majority of Religious people have given religion a bad name.
Instead of donating my body to science, I'll donate it to whoever has the best idea for a practical joke involving a dead body.
I don't know what everyone's complaining about. The economy looks great from my parents' basement.
My lady garden could really use a nice face plant.
People with multiple personalities scare me. Speak for yourself b*tch. That's right, you heard him.
I'm amazed at how some people have survived this far in life
If I've offended you, you need more help than I do.
No one texts faster than a gossiping woman.
I thought of going Amish once....I didn't have the WHEEL POWER to do it
Some people say a true friend stabs you in the front. I’m gonna go ahead and say a true friend just puts the knife down.
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