Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Pointing out that what you are doing is dumb and is making you look like an idiot is not judging you. It’s called caring.

   Looks like the lava from that volcano in Hawaii has buried an old Japanese cemetary. But on the bight side, we don't have to worry about zombies wielding samurai swords either.

   Relationship status: If I slam on my brakes really hard... The seatbelt hugs me back.

   Maybe men wouldn't have such a low tolerance for pain if women didn't have such a low tolerance for men in pain...

   A date with Destiny.. Cause strippers need lovin' too.

   Talk to your kids about marijuana. Maybe they have a higher grade than you do.

   Can Walmart be a feeling? I'm pretty sure that's how I'm feeling today.

   So this whole working for a living sh*t goes on for how long?

   I'd like to think I'm a decent person but honestly if I was a millionaire, the last thing I would do is dress up like a bat and fight crime.

   Just got into a conversation with a crazy person. Do you guys know what a crazy person will never say? -- "Well I've got to go."

   I run with scissors. You know why? Cause I got places to be and sh*t to cut

   I never seize the day. I awkwardly watch the day across the room until it notices me staring, then I pretend to be looking at something else

   I was in a taxi on my way to work this morning when the driver said "I love my job. I'm my own boss and nobody tells me what to do!" I said "That's really great, now take a left here."

   "More power to him" is the polite way to say "What a freakin' wacko".

   Halloween is my favorite holiday where you can trespass on a stranger's property and make a non-negotiable demand.

   A funny thing to do when someone's dog barks at you is say, "I don't speak dog," and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.

   I can't decide what I should be for halloween or any other day

   What's the best age to tell your kids that they have a weak rap game?

   I call my fists The Nina and The Pinta because they don't land where I want them to.

   Hey smoke detectors, feel free to use that last bit of battery life to continue monitoring fires instead of getting all beepy.