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Sorry I called your kid a freak when I saw that he was left-handed But dude, they can totally fix that now with science and therapy 
Knock on your neighbors door and ask if they've seen your cat. When they say no pull your cat out of your pocket and make the introductions
Facebook Myth: Once you post 20 or more selfies, your relationship status automatically changes to, “In a relationship with myself”
I'm starting to think none of you have résumés.
I wish I had half of the fight in me as the spider that I just washed down my bathroom sink did.
How come know-it-alls, don't know how annoying they are?
Fellas; You need to know that if her favorite movie is The Notebook, she will never be satisfied and happy.
If something seems too good to be true... Quick, put it in your mouth.
There have been more Taken sequels than Americans that have died from Ebola, if you wanted to know about the real epidemic.
You know why divorce is so expensive? Because it's worth it.
Who else thinks the U.S. Marine jailed in Mexico would be getting a lot more attention from the U.S. government if he looked like Obama's son...if he had a son?
what do michael jackson and cavier have in common? They both come on little crackers.
I'm black, but not go Walmartin' in my robe and slippers black.
When I squeeze a tube of 'whitening toothpaste' and it’s blue, I’m like, well this is off to a bad start.
With gas prices at what 5 bucks a gallon? It's cheaper to do cocaine and just run everywhere.
I may not be the smartest guy in the world, or the richest guy in the world, or the best looking guy in the world, but.... Oh, hell. Now I'm depressed.
Keep your friends close, your enemies close, aliens not so close, ghosts close, snakes close, skeletons close, everything just in a big pile
Today I went to work w/my clothes inside out and had chocolate pudding and popcorn for dinner. Wife has been gone ONE DAY & I am a toddler.
it weird that I'm 37 years old and have a secret handshake with 3 adults.....and possibly one cat?
Last night my son wanted me to take him to see scary monsters at a haunted house, but I needed beer. We compromised and I took him to Walmart
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