Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   For ten dollars I’ll engrave your status on a brick and throw it at you.

   Well, I guess it's time to go apologize to my neighbors...

   Iggy Azalea is hip hop for teens that still get put in timeout.

   If you like keep scaring strangers away, smile for no good reason.

   The quality of a good neighbour is not seeing them often.

   First Principle of good customer service: shut up and concentrate on your work.

   "Can you validate my parking?".. "You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud."... *wipes away tear,,, "Thanks."

   "There's more than one way to skin a cat." -Chinese restaurant proverb

   Girl Pro Tip: Save up to 80% on life by being born pretty.

   Ok. Who the frig showed my grandma how to start "group texts" ?!?

   Cowards - kissassers - are not on the side of truth; they're on the side of money.

   Sorry I woke your baby when I opened my velcro wallet.

   Should I check my bank account balance or continue having an okay day?

   If you're not afraid when someone is flipping through the photos on your phone then you're probably boring.

   I'm Mexican, but I'm not "I'll cut your grass for 20 bucks" Mexican.

   Officer: Is that cocaine? Me: I dunno, let me smell... (Boom! No evidence!)

   Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews) Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfriend.

   If my calculations are correct then someone else did them for me

   No, I didn't say I was a taxidermist. I said, I can stuff your beaver.

   Waiting 30 seconds for a Youtube Ad feels a bit too much like a long term relationship.