Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I don't have buns but if your anaconda wants crippling daddy issues coupled with intense emotional damage I'm definitely your girl.

   I just woke up and realized I didn't have to.

   You sure have a lot of rules for someone who doesn’t care.

   If she claims to be just one of the guys, compliment her mustache. If she laughs and buys you a beer, you, sir, have found a unicorn!

   With the right music, you either forget everything or you remember everything.

   *Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin

   "You can't fight terro0rism with sanctions." You fight illiterate-ignora-nt-reci-.sists, "by going in there and killing them. Every. Last. One of them."

   You can't fight terro0rism with patience." You fight illiterate-ignora-nt-reci-.sists, "by going in there and killing them. Every. Last. One of them."

   Making your own salad dressing is simple: 1. Dig hole... 2. Place salad in hole... 3. Cover with dirt until hole is filled...4. Pizza...

   Sign up now for my new fitness program! Clowns with guns chase you until you are thin... Also we put spiders in your food.

   Word of the Day: Eskiho - A girl who wears UGG boots and miniskirts.

   *gets can of compressed air & cleans inside computer*....all my friends are online so I just gave all my friends a blow job

   By thigh gap you mean the distance between the KFC and my mouth right.

   When I have a bad day, I remind myself that beer exists.

   Just because I'm in the friend zone doesn't mean we can't have sex... Oh, that's exactly what it means?

   Oh yeah!! Well, if smoking weed destroys your short-term memory, then what does smoking weed do?

   You may not love me now, but vodka.

   Don't think I won't eat this pudding cup just because I don't have a spoon. It's about to be the best 15 min. of this pudding cups life.

   Woke up to my teen cleaning the house for "no reason" and now I have a mystery to solve.

   "Don't panic about Ebola, but please watch this nonstop coverage about how it could spread everywhere and kill you. Don't panic though." - american media