Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I solve all my problems by creating three new ones as distractions.

   "Today Joseph cleaned the house, made dinner, and was really cool about some crazy news I had. Best. Husband. Ever." -If Mary had Facebook

   Ladies, it's October, breast cancer awareness month, I'm giving free breast exams. . .

   The dallas Ebola case turned out to be a false alarm. Apparently the person had just went to Taco Bell the night before.

   well since the Texas breakout Maybe I should go home sick with Ebola

   The last time I left my girlfriend it took her two weeks to notice I was gone. Next time I'm taking all her shoes with me.

   Like a good neighbor,I don't really care.

   My contribution to mother earth is not to waste water cleaning glasses when I can drink straight from the bottle

   I miss the life I planned in my head.

   I don't have a "9-5".. I have a "When I open my eyes to when I close my eyes..."

   Can some tell my wife......Crying is blackmailing Yes, of the simplest and most straightforward form.

   This is no fairy tale, you lose a shoe at midnight, you're drunk.

   I'm going to sit quietly in my room today and think about what I did

   my motivation is running naked with a drink around the pool ...

   9 of 10 voices in my head telI me I 'm crazy. One hums ...

   I prefer to call it a "Ta-Da" list. Cause it'd be fu*king amazing if I actually accomplished anything on it.

   Thank god the Beastie Boys fought for my right to party I'm just sitting on my couch though

   911: What is your emergency?... ME: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?... 911: Is this her 1st child?.. ME: No,, This is her husband.

   One thing the porn industry has taught me is that this summer I defiantly need to get a job as a poolboy.

   I tried killing a spider by blowing weed smoke on it, now it's in my kitchen microwaving Pizza Rolls and drinking all my beer