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The best part about work is leaving. 
what are these feelings you speak of?
$764 for a round trip airline ticket. I hope they don't go broke giving me 3 ounces of Sprite and 5 peanuts!!
I'm convinced you're an idiot but I can tell you're not aware of this information.
Women. Always want to be choked at the wrong time.
According to bookkeeping, I'm broke
If you suffer from Feelings and Sh*t, Alcohol might be right for you....Don't ask your doctor, Just do it.
You should always listen when a woman speaks - unless she's crazy, then pay close attention.
Obama on - VA scandal: DIDN'T KNOW Benghazi security: DIDN'T KNOW Fast and Furious: DIDN'T KNOW Lose your doctor: DIDN'T KNOW Bin Laden hit: MASTERMIND
I'm eating at subway today, I'm trying to figure out how Jared did it. He said he just eat fresh... It's not even on the menu!
Sometimes . . . When you cry, no one sees your tears. Sometimes . . . When you are in pain, no one sees your hurt. Sometimes . . . When you are worried, no one sees your stress. Sometimes . . . When you are happy, no one sees your smile. But just fart one
"We do pretty well around here considering that people are basically good." -Satan talking to Lucifer
unnecessary kindness is your first clue to picking out an "up to no good".
The Billboard Music awards was the other night and there was an amazing hologram of Michael Jackson. He performed a new song called "Slave to the Rhythm." It was so realistic, Tito actually asked it for money.
A man in Phoenix accidentally shot himself in the leg while in line at Walmart on Saturday. Or, as they call that in Arizona, “taking a selfie.”
Not listening to a single word you've said makes it impossible for you to run out of things to say to me.
Mike Tyson , Miguel Olivo .....if the zombies do come, it looks like they're starting as athletes 1st
I'm pretty sure the New Jersey state bird is just a middle finger.
Sex so good you get her name right.
Side boob is only hot on women, bro.
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