Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Try to slide down a waterslide while its dry, thats why foreplay is important

   People complaining in the express line about the lady writing a check will be uber ticked when I try to barter a sheep for this 6-pack of Pepsi

   If you are offended by the things I post on FB you can only imagine the ones I don't post.

   Top uses for Golf Balls: 1. Describing hail storms... 2. Describing tumors... 3. Playing golf

   How touching and appropriate for the LA Clippers to invite the Ole Miss to their game last night to lead the crowd in a stirring rendition of "Dixie"...

   Even if a b1tch ain't one, 99 problems is still a lot.

   Coaster? You're assuming I plan to put my drink down...

   There is a man eating fries with a fork and airport security is doing nothing about it.

   Any day now I expect to look up from my phone and meet my grandkids.

   please take down your engagement photos I'M ALLERGIC

   How do you say "I don't care" in every language known to man?

   I can't find it, will you look for me? - Men

   Marriage. Because otherwise hating someone for turning the page of a newspaper too loudly would seem absurd

   I can offer a blank stare and a pat on the back if you're looking for someone to console you.

   "Can I get that in camouflage?" White guys named Cody.

   Throwing a surprise party for my girlfriend so just remember that on the count of three we all yell "SURPRISE YOU'RE BEN''S GIRLFRIEND"

   Transformation Tuesday! Throwback Thursday! Flashback Friday! Never underestimate a woman's ability to find a reason to post a selfie.

   Top uses for Golf Balls: 1. Describing hail storms... 2. Describing tumors... 3. Playing golf ...and the ever popular "Garden hose refference"

   Maybe serial killers are just normal people who had a coworker with a runny nose.

   Thinking of getting another bed just for all my laundry