Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I'd like to be more than just friends... how about enemies?

   At what point does the amount of abnormal in your life become so great that abnormal is your new normal?

   Bail me out of jail, so I know it's real

   The only time I'll ever need an intervention is if they name a beer after it.

   If by "brighten your life" you mean I set you on fire than yes I here to brighten your life!

   I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control, and I thought to myself. "Well this changes everything"

   Note to self: If you come home after work and your wife greets you saying she got a massive pay raise from her boss at work, remember to not kiss her on the lips.

   My dog said "woof" so I said "woof" & now I'm afraid of what I may have agreed to.

   Single moms be like, "yo daddy was on the plane!"

   PRO TIP: The easiest way to kill off mice in your house is to leave tiny motorcycles everywhere but no helmets.

   🎶Sweet dreams are made of cheese/ Who am I to diss a Brie/ Cheddar the world and the Feta Cheese/ Ev'rybody's lookin for Stilton🎶

   My mom is so bad at texting. She meant to say "I love you" and she accidentally sent "You're a huge disappointment"... lol parents can't text

   Smoke a joint before hitting a buffet to really get your money's worth... Just saying.

   Who wants to go Smart Car Tipping?

   The worst part of getting your Smart Car Tipped is probably trying to win enough Chuck E. Cheese tickets to get another one.....

   I've always been doubtful of girl cashiers' s-anity in shops. Some Inva-der poor opp-ortunist ra-ts!

   Why are flies always rubbing their hands together? What are you up to? ANSWER ME INSECT

   Nothing worse than meeting the right person at the wrong time in your life.

   Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on? Asking for a freak.

   "911, what's your emergency?" "DO ANIMALS NAME THEIR BABIES?"