Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   My wife just put me in charge of obeying her.

   Turns out, pounding a wooden stake through a vampire's heart works even if the guy's not a vampire.

   Going vegetarian is a missed steak.......sorry had to

   Odd how all the 'intelligent life finding instruments' are pointed away from earth.

   Ladies, a piece of advice. If your boyfriend or husband gives you a facial/spa treatment as a gift, be a little more specific. After all, it might not be a good idea to post how happy you are that he gave you "a facial".

   Women just complain I mean gripe I mean argue I ........I mean women are smart honey

   If I was in that Malaysian airplane my wife would find it in 10 minutes..

   Why do fools fall in love? Because smart people know that, odds are, it will end horribly.

   licking cheeto dust off his fingers counts as foreplay, right?

   If you talk more than you think... That's a huge problem.

   Sad to say but WWE is coming to the end....

   Cats constantly look at you like you just asked them for a ride to the airport.

   how do mexicans cut their pizza... with little ceasers

   Cop: Why do you have a lighter if you don't smoke cigarettes? Me: Sir, you never know when you might need a fire.

   It's not my fault that people don't appreciate the art of unpunctuality.

   If I were Stevie Wonder I would say “I’ll believe it when I see it” in response to pretty much anything just to piss people off.

   Nice guys finish somewhere other than in your hair.

   My wife was all “Let’s try role playing” but now she’s all “Listen here, ‘Farmer Brown,’ I am not putting on a sheep costume.” SMH

   You say lonely I say home alone with an opportunity to masturbate

   I decided to weigh myself this morning when the scale said "Lo". I was ready to get all excited when I realized it just mean the battery! Ugh!!!