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The longer I sit on this bidet at The Olive Garden,,, the more it looks like it's just a sink. 
DIET HACK: You can use flour tortillas as napkins
*Oprah gets up to do Harvard's commencement speech*... And you get a diploma and you get a diploma and you get a diploma and you get a diploma
Do you ever wonder if the lesser known "So-so White Shark" has an inferiority complex?
"Dad what's an infinite loop?"..."Ask your mother."... "Mom what's an infinite loop?"... "Ask your father."... "Dad what's an infinite loop?"... "Ask your........
FYI: If a test asks for the capital of North Dakota you can write "who cares" and it won't be marked as incorrect.
How To Get Rich: 1. Place a Swear Jar next to Samuel L Jackson...2. Empty it the next day.... 3. Become a millionaire.
In regards to the Noah movie: Make sure you take someone with you, I heard they're only selling tickets in pairs...
Based on the number of smoke breaks they take, I’m pretty sure the only reason my co-workers have a job is to pay for their cigarettes.
1920: “May I have this dance?” 1950: “Want to go to the drive-in?” 1980: “What’s your sign?” 2014: “Here’s a picture of my dong.”
People glorify being single because you can sleep with anyone you want. In reality you can only sleep with the people who want to sleep with you. That’s a very different number.
Why did the Conjoined Twins move to England? So the other one could drive.
"I'm dreaming of a white...easter," said no one EVER!
Just read 'Everybody Poops' but I'm still skeptical.
My ex asked me to buy her a birthday present. I bought her a coffin to let her know she is dead to me.
A thief broke into my house last night searching for ‘Money’ …. I joined him in the search.
Well, I've officially entered the, "Why did I come into this room?" phase of my life.
Sarcasm is a dominant gene in my family.
I got some new underwear. Well, new to me
There is a special place in hell for idiots who bring babies to the movie house.
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