Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   just because they sell yoga pants in XXL doesn't mean it's ok to wear them in public.

   Hotel showers range anywhere from "Gently peeing on you" to "Dear God, this is going to rip my nipples off!"

   I go to a hair salon where you can get a hand job while you get your hair cut. It's your own hand though, and you have to be very discreet.

   My day has sucked so much I keep looking around to see if Rob Schneider is in it.

   I'm a lover of music and music has never betrayed me.

   If you tell someone your Birthday and they automatically know your astrological sign, run as fast as you can away from them.

   Remember girls your mouth can't get pregnant.

   They just interviewed Jimmy Hoffa of Fox News about the missing plane.

   I keep my land line so I can find my cell phone.

   All that glitters is not gold; its got daddy issues.

   Realizing my office stash of vodka is gone... this is what it feels like when doves cry.

   What's the nutritional value of an entire tube of cherry Chapstick?......... *Asking for my 2 year old

   Anyone else find it slightly suspicious that a massive plane's gone missing over the same ocean that Bin Laden's floating in.....?

   There's been a Boeing 777 in my backyard since March 8th, anybody missing an airplane?

   I took a sexual harassment course this afternoon.... I think I am going to be pretty good at it.

   Girl browsing on Tinder: no, no, no, no, yes....Guy browsing on Tinder: yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes

   It makes me sad that elderberries are always being replaced by younger, hotter berries

   Just checked my Farmville for the first time in 2 years... It's now a Walmart.

   She might look sweet and innocent until you end up hog tied to a bed naked with a gag in your mouth because you were 'naughty and tried to get away'!

   Ok super positive people, just calm down…not everything is a Gift, a Blessing or a Miracle.