Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I need an alarm clock with a snooze button that sounds like a pack of snarking wolves.

   Billy has 16 slices of Bacon and Tommy takes 50%......What does Tommy have................A stump......Tommy has a stump

   Tired of everyone taunting and cursing you? Do you feel, no one cares about you anymore? Pressure at work? Feel like running away from this boring life?Fly Malaysian Airlines ✈.. And GET LOST..✈

   If I were taller, I'd be the perfect weight. By taller, I mean 8' 11"

   I don't understand why people say only men are visual creatures. A woman will spot a rich man & she will see herself leaving your broke ass.

   If you wear a tie with a short sleeve shirt you can walk into any RadioShack and start working.

   Her mouth says yes. Her body says yes. But I can't hear her, because my nachos say crunch

   So now we know what happens to planes when you don't turn off all mobile devices.

   I only drink coffee because cocaine is too expensive.

   Panda Express: Chinese for "You're gonna wish you didn't eat that."

   So far my bracket is perfect! I can't wait to fill the rest of it in.

   It amazes me at how dirty minded most of you single women are. What amazes me more is how you clean that mind after you get wifed.

   My morning alarm tone is The Price is Right loser music

   I put my phone on Airplane Mode and now I can't find it...

   2,4,6,8 Wichita is not a state!

   I think Haley Joel Osment should guest star on The Walking Dead one episode..... "I see dead people"

   Im not bothered if someone likes me or Not. Even Angels are hated by Demons.

   The worst thing about finishing on a girl's face is how angry they get when they wake up.

   Used to work at a funeral home, and whenever I called out sick I always felt like I was leading them on.

   People who change after change will Survive... People who change with change will Live... People who cause the change will Lead...!