Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   It's not my fault I'm dyslexic, it's in my NDA.

   Neil Armstrong lands on the moon: 5 pictures. Girl goes to Starbucks: 47 pictures.

   Swine Flu is back? Just when you think something is gone forever it comes back and makes people sick.. Just like Dennis Rodman

   Watching Fox News, but for some reason I can't figure out why Obama would shut down a bridge?

   I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on carpet, but only for like 20 seconds...

   Chinese food to go: $16.84. Gas to go get it: $1.62. Getting home and realizing they forgot one of your containers: Riceless.

   I asked for a glass of cold water from my drunk af friend I found him with a cup in the microwave. I told him "I said cold water whys it in the microwave?" He replied "we didn't have any cold water, so I'm melting ice for you" l

   Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze

   Be nice to people on your way up so they won't get suspicious when you're rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport

   Sometimes taste is not a flavor, and class is not something you attend.

   People will trust you more if you end every conversation with, “May god be with you”

   Moving to a new place and people will have a compulsion to say, "but, you won't know anybody there." Like that's a bad thing.

   Sorry I unliked your pic. My girlfriend ordered me to do it or I sleep on the couch tonight.

   I think there are great benefits in remaining strangers.

   I'm not wrong very often but when I am it's his fault.

   Don't love someone so much that you stop watching p 0rn!

   I'm not saying I gained weight over the holidays... All I'm saying is bring me Solo and the Wookie.

   I got my stomach by doing as many crunches as I can everyday... *Usually either Nestlé or Captain.

   Hi,,, I'm here for an oil change and an estimate for $100's of dollars of work that I'll say I'll get done another time but never come back.

   Parents w/ 1st Baby: "Aww, he's starting to walk! C'mon buddy, you can do it!".. Parents w/ Baby #4: "CRAP, HE'S STANDING! QUICK, SWEEP THE LEG!"