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I'm shocked that Chris Christie would be involved in the blocking of a major artery. 
Ugh! Left my purse in the car and now I have to deal with the Polar Kotex!
In my defense Your Honor, I thought she had been stung by a jellyfish.
Being 100% Italian affords me the luxury of possessing the knowledge to stay away from Italian women.
Anyone that starts a sentenct with "Not to brag but" is about to brag.
It's that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions...... * Ummm, Kids,, I meant my kids
I get it Chris Christie. Last time I puked on the carpet I blamed my cats.
You can make my whole day just by not being part of it ..
Keep reaching for the stars but please get a better deodorant.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat ...Then I remember they just feed off attention.
I told a woman she looked fat in those jeans once, so yeah you could say I know a thing or two about what's it's like to live on the edge.
You call it the love of your life, I call it a bottle of liquor.
I knew our relationship was destined for failure when I couldn't fit her in my trunk
Fellas; A girl without a hobby is a girl who will make a hobby of destroying your life.
People without profile pictures are terrorists.
I'm only materialistic when I shop at the liquor store.
Whenever I have a bad day,,, I just remind myself that there are people out there who have their ex's name tattooed on their body
Ladies; Ke$ha has a perfume out…in case any of you want to smell like vodka soaked glitter, and crippling regret.
With the way the humam species treats each other, can we blame God for being vengeful?
"In my defense Your Honor, I thought she had been stung by a jellyfish." - R. Kelly 