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This bottle of red wine is more mature than me! 
I give great marriage advice if you want to be divorced.
You had me at tubes tied.
The best part about being single is only having to say "I'm sorry" to the dog or cat.
It's colder outside than two ex-wives.
Velveeta Cheesocalypse...Why weren't we prepared?
Say all you want about Hitler, at least he never posted updates about going to the gym, Throw Back Thrusday photos, or "hashtag" anything.
Anti-smoking efforts have saved 8 million lives. No wonder traffic sucks!
Don't tell me what they said about me, tell me why they're comfortable telling you.
Why the hell is a group of Kangaroos NOT called a Kangacrew?
wait....what if the extreme cold in America is actually just Disney’s advertising campaign for Frozen?
If movies have taught me anything it's that all car chases eventually lead through a fruit stand.
It's so cold Miley Cyrus got her toungue stuck on her wrecking ball
It's so cold you'd rather listen to Bieber than walk outside
I'm just a regular guy, I boil my spaghetti one noodle at a time.
We need to start naming hurricanes after rappers. People might evacuate quicker if they know hurricane Ghostface Killah is coming.
Based on how I react when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
I blame my farts on the dog so regularly that now every time I let one rip, she slinks away in shame.
Anybody have a treadmill for sale? My closet is full and I need somewhere else to hang my clothes.
The person who invented foldable steel chairs probably starts to cry then shouts “TURN IT OFF!” every time wrestling comes on TV. 