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Im thinking of changing my name to Reason.... Because no one ever listens to me. 
Does anyone know where I can get a "Don't blame me, I voted for Romney" bumper sticker?
I'm going to get dressed up in bear costume and go down to Best Buy on Black Friday and scare the people camping out in tents...
What's the difference between agal who shops at Walmart and a bowling ball? If you had to you'd could eat the bowling ball...
The guy who decided how to spell bologna was clearly in over his head.
Long story short, I love summaries
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is you don't talk about, mention, speak of, discuss or chat about Thesaurus Club.
When you're driving and Nicki Minaj is on all 2 radio station at the same time, there's nothing left to do except crash your car
Toronto's Mayor Rob Ford ...is this really a PRANK show and Ashton Kutcher is going to come out at the end and tell us we've been PUNK'D
A guy gets out of the shower and and says to his wife, "So what do you think of this?" She says, "You're like a country breakfast." "Oh yeah, how so?" She says, "Fat belly 2 eggs and sausage."
If you think you cannot live without someone, you really do need to rethink the fact that you're still alive.
I'm so drunk I almost answered my phone.
Accidentally started my shower using a Mr. Clean magic eraser instead of a sponge...Stopped using it, but now my balls are gone.
You don't know anybody till you live with them for a few weeks at least.
Does anyone know the rule for when the cripple guy at your company dies who gets his parking spot?
If you've lost your appetite today, I think I have it.
You can't trust anybody with the remote control these days
My condoms are expiring soon... Ladies
People who confuse then & than Remember this... I'd rather kill you, then eat a cheeseburger
G.I.R.L on the Internet is 'Guy In Real Life.' 