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Ladies Does your man tune you out? Tell him you're a week late, he'll listen to everything you have to say. 
It's 2013. With all the hormones in food and advances in medical technology, why are there still girls with less than C cup boobs?
I just saw 30 seconds of Glee and now I'm gay. Send glitter.
If I had to describe myself in 3 words... I don't know.
just wrote down all the cars I ever owned ........Now I have a bucket list
If you love someone, set them free. If they don't come back, send them all their stuff they left at your place.
Ladies: Next time you shake a man's hand just remember you're really shaking his d*ck's best friend.
If you love someone, set her free. If she doesn't come back, start dating her best friend.
Relationship Status: Cutting your brake lines.
I just saw a donkey use the zebra crossing to cross the road. What a smart ass!
Get married they said, it will be a blessing they said, wives are psychos they never said.
Being honest may not get you alot of friends but it does get you the right ones...
My old Chemistry teacher once told me to write a thousand word Essay on LSD......I never finished as after 5 minutes my pen turned into a gorilla and the floor melted
Bowing to pressure from the NFL has announced that the Washington Redskins will change their name to the Redskins. They said the name "Washington" made them feel lowdown and slimy
if you're fighting another pirate ship & your cannonball lands directly in their cannon everyone has to switch eyepatches to their other eye
I have enough confidence; I just don't like you.
Today I was walking down the street and a cop stop me, he asked me if I had a police record ...I said yes ....Every Breath You Take and Don't Stand So Close To Me........ Thank-God, I got bonded, my cellmate Roxanne was just a little weird!
Men, if you've been called a$$h0le by 3 or more people, you're an a$$h0le.
Don't worry about the bullet that has your name on it. Worry about the one that says "To Whom it May Concern."
I accidentally knocked over a few dinners onto the floor at Whole Foods and I now owe them over $212,080,999 dollars 