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Sometimes I'm more confused than a baby in a topless bar... 
I hate it when I fill my blowup doll with helium and then she plays hard to get...
...what do you mean I can't get change from the church collection plate? I only have $20s.
The curvy girl gets the worm.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Me: Will you stay with me till I fall asleep? Him: Ma'am, please just take your pizza
It's a shame that we live in a society that praises the pretenders, rewards the liars and promotes the talentless.
Apparently a teen in Brazil died after jerking off 42 times without stopping. So...41 guys...that's the limit.
My wife finally got a "Brazilian". He seems nice.
The first person to ever call me a psycho was Lorraine from high school. Height 5'4, coffin size 84 by 28 by 23.
Ladies, we don't really want a sandwich after sex, we just want you to get out of the bed so we can go to sleep
Spiders - because women need to know they are not independent.
Nothing says "Let's work things out" quite like "I'm pregnant".
I'm a firm believer in the separation of church and Earth.
Behind every woman there's a man trying to put it in her butt.
Funerals are so depressing, when I die I want to be fed to a shark or something cool.
Experience is a cruel teacher. It gives a test before presenting the lesson.
Pumped for the series finale of the U.S. government!
DOC: I'm sorry, but you only have 2 weeks to live... *I slip the Doc a 5 dollar bill*... DOC: Ooooh make that 3 weeks buddy... *I wink at my loved ones*
Honey I shrunk the kids' college savings,,, and bet on a pure bred horse 