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We're here today to witness the union of two special people. The lasers we use to fuse them together are very powerful,,,, so goggles on please 
Sex is like cooking. Your girlfriend will be angry at you because you ate your neighbour’s even though she hasn’t cooked for you in weeks.
Some people look forward to the morning to have a new challenge. I look forward to the morning to have my cup of coffee.
Here's a crazy concept, maybe I'm not in a bad mood, angry, or a douchebag. Maybe I said it because it's true and I meant it. Marinate on that.
How to spot single girls: If you hit on her and a man beats you, she has a boyfriend. If you hit her and she pepper sprays you, she's single.
I wished I loved anything as much as white folks love saying "gracias" in Mexican restaurants.
I wish there was a "roll my eyes" button on Facebook.
I'm the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I know how to hide a dead body.
Taylor Swift seems like the kinda girl who would put her stuffed animals in another room when she has sex.
I want a lady that likes jokes in the streets and chokes in the sheets
Do you ever take two steps into a food court and think: "We are seriously overdue for a plague"?
I don't drink to feel better about myself. I drink to feel better about being with you
Every maternity ward is just a Facebook wall post factory.
Stress balls really work when you shove them down someone's throat.
You know you have given up on life when you decide to get married.
A young boy comes home from school one day and says, "Mommy! What's a lesbian?" She replied, "Ask your father when she gets home!"
If you're not spanking her ass on a regular basis, YOU SIR ARE DOING IT WRONG!
Official Football helmet on Captain Video!
A girl who lives hundreds of miles away texting you "I'm drunk" is like a lasagna texting you from Italy saying "I'm delicious"
Instead of Bruno Mars performing at the Super bowl it should be Mick Mars and Motley Crue. 