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Had to sneeze but it never came out and now I'm afraid it's traveling around my body trying to find another exit. 
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Cashier asked me if I wanted a box for my groceries. I said "yes", and she punched me
And A Big shout out to any FBI, CIA Or government office who happen to have me on some watch list, F*U* !
Do ugly people know they don’t really have to use their real photos as their profile pics?
It takes approximately 6 hours for a woman to find a ringing phone in her handbag.
Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give a woman several shots of tequila and you're in for the night of your life.
Whenever another man tells you, "You're a lucky man" in reference to your girlfriend. It's just a polite way of saying "Watch your back, I might just replace you"
I don't understand fat poor people. What are you eating? Broken hopes and dreams?
"There are no stupid questions" - People who have never tried to watch football with their girlfriends.
My goal today is to lose this hangover and earn another
I'm pretty sure twerking is mentioned somewhere in the book of Revelations
Lets see do I root for the Gators or the Hurricanes today? Aaron Hernandez -3(murders) or Ray Lewis +3(murders).
This beer just whispered "I want to be inside you" and I was all like "ok dude, but I probably need to get drunk first".
How come LL Cool J licks his lips and all the women think its sexy, but I do it and I get escorted out of Victoria's Secret AND the mall?
The fact that hot divorced women exist is proof they all have some crazy in them...
Who needs Starbucks? My bar serves coffee.
Telling a woman to calm down when she's drunk, works about as well as baptizing a cat !
I wonder if the spouses of umpires get thrown out of the house for arguing.
*stands under White House windows holding a boombox & blasting War Pigs at full volume* 