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All of my Ex's nicknamed me Subway because I've got low quality meat and lie about being 6 inches 
Although I can't control time, I will always manipulate it.
A recent survey reported that three quarters of men don’t know how to turn on the dish washer. I find that licking her nipples and a light gentle fingering usually does the trick.
Making home made Pop Tarts. I almost have it down, but getting the filling down to a thickness of 1/1,000,000 of an inch is becoming quite a challenge.
Fellas; If your fiancé designs her own engagement ring, prepare for a life of sex on your birthday and holidays only.
To be honest with you I start all my lies with to be honest with you.
First Lil’ Wayne has a major seizure and now Chris Brown? Someone is out to kill horrible musicians. It's quite elementary my dear Watson.
Nicki Minaj sits in front of a mirror, slowly removing her makeup to reveal Ja Rule. A single tear rolls down his cheek.
Cool...I just won an award for laziness,.. I sent a buddy to pick it up for me...
Tequila is Spanish for I’m open to waking up anywhere.
Children are often spoiled because no one will spank Grandma.
You buy her a gift. She sleeps with you. The similarity here is that the s-e-x is also a gift since both things center on something coming in a box.
Penny for your thoughts...five bucks if they're dirty..
I just threw my clothes away and bought my garbage to the laundry mat
What would happen if you hired two private investigators to follow each other?
My girlfriend says that a small pěis won’t affect our relationship. Whether she’s right or not, I’d prefer it if she didn’t have one at all!
Twinkies are like Val Kilmer, bloated, saturated in fat, and no one’s had them in their mouth since the 80's.
Teacher asks Billy; “If you have five candies and Mohammed asks for one, how many will you have left?” Billy; “Five”
The best way to a woman's heart is by saying three words ''- You lost weight...!!!!
Joe Biden walks nervously into the grocery store by himself for the first time. He asks the clerk, "where are the snowman noses?" 