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Unstable in the streets, batsh*t crazy in the sheets. 
I bet sloths are horrible at foreplay.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
"You're right I'm sorry. You're right I'm sorry. You're right I'm sorry. You're right I'm sorry" - me practicing for a successful relationship.
I'm running out of people I can tolerate!
I'll explain my status update right after you explain why you're so ignorant.
I wonder if somebody ever got "Catfished" through Christian Mingle?
20 years ago when the guys went out, one of us got stuck with the porker. Nowadays, all but one gets stuck with one…
Of all the people who "claim" not to give a sh it, I'm pretty sure the guy standing barefoot in front of the urinal at the gym is the winner.
That's not a fragrant pillow, your head's on my a$$!
Eating soup in the shower isn't saving me as much time as I thought.
I Just saw Detroit at the Coinstar machine...
I just saw in the news that President Obama is going to nominate Caroline Kennedy to be the next US Ambassador to Japan. Gee. You would think after all these years we'd stop trying to avenge Pearl Harbor.
It has been a over year since I've been with women.... I think I need to start collecting cats?
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
I woke up hungover to the sound of my neighbour mowing the lawn. I figured he just have to mow aound me, I'm not moving.
Can you imagine if Facebook just decided to shut down and you see all these confused teenagers coming out of their house squinting at the sun.
0 = The amount of care about your Candy Crush progress.
Girls: Save your games for family fun nights…..NOT Relationships!!
Alcohol only kills off the weakest of brain cells 