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Today I watched a bee land on my arm. I let it sting me while I just stared at it and said, "Is it in yet?" just to make it feel insecure. 
as my dad always told me when I did something wrong: I will kill you with the help of the thing that I used to make you with!
Wow, the news is blowing up with news of Duchess Kate in labor. You'd think a panda was being born.
In light of Dutchess Katherine going into labor Kanye West would like to remind everyone that his baby already has over 100 pairs of shoes.
Has anybody told Squirrels about crosswalks?
Somebody is out there, somewhere, thinking of the impact you've made in their life. It's not me. I think your an idiot.
i cant stop drinking the coffee. If I stop drinking the coffee then I stop doing the standing and the walking and the words putting into sentence doings.
So much attention for the Royal baby, so many interviews and expert opinions you would think it's the first baby ever to be born.
My head hurts, I think my horns are coming in...
water is the leading cause of drowning...
Breaking news: The Detroit Tigers file for Little Leauge.
Our ancestors created America to get away from the crown. We shouldn't have to hear, and we don't give a puck about, the royal baby.
Dear Kate Middleton, Thank you for knocking Trayvon Martin off my TV screen.
Duchess Kate, Ima let you finish, but the Virgin Mary had the greatest Royal Baby of all time.
The store keeps calling me to come back and buy more bedroom furniture, but all I really wanted was one night stand.
After a certain point, the 'F' on the thermometer no longer stands for Fahrenheit.
Honey, guys don't want to get with you because you're hot, they want to get with you because you're easy. Know the difference.
My wife said she expects the house to be clean by the time she walks in the door so I changed all of the locks.
He died doing what he loved; failing to deploy a parachute.
Just name the damn royal baby Monday since everyone hates it already. 