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I have a stalker. She keeps showing up at my house unannounced. She's been doing this ever since we got married. 
I hate when I ask the person beside me to pass me some toilet paper & they start begging the flight attendant to let them switch seats.
I've currently got the higest eBay bid on Detroit.
Even though Her family owned a multimillion dollar cheese company.......... She was a dairy heir.
I don't know much about fashion,, So can I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
You can lead a horse to water and you can lead a horse into water and you can swim around with a horse and have fun
We're up to Fast n Furious #6. Shouldn't they just create a weekly TV series?
yeah I was a vegetarian once before......for like 5 hours...til my next meal...
Women complain that they should be treated more equally. OK fine. Next time a ship sinks in the ocean, you ladies don't get to get off first.
At the rate brothers are marrying white girls, the sisters will be extinct in about 50 years...
I'm going to start a non-profit organization to promote the legalization of weed. It will be called the March of Dimebags.
I am totally convinced that my place of employment is just a fancy name for Purgatory
Growing up into an adult is the dumbest thing I have ever done in my life.
There is a fine wine between being good and being naughty.
FACT: The cops will just throw you in the back of the squad car like they didn't even hear you call shotgun.
If a girl is puking I will always hold her hair back. That way I can aim her head and use her as a vomit gun.
I miss playing Capture The Flag. Adulthood is sad.
I have an electric stove, but I prefer acoustic.
If dialysis saved your life, you may be able to sue someone for money!!
It is depressing to pull the tag off of your boxer shorts and a parachute opens. 