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I have "plan B" dates....everytime I make the plans, my date wants to abort & not go through with it 
Get married, you're gonna die anyways.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Who are we?--Proud Americans. And what do we want? --To stop being the fattest country in the world!. When do we want it? -- After dessert!
America is no longer the fattest country in the world. That honor belongs to Mexico now. In other news the Twinkie is making an historic comeback. Well played Mexico, Well played indeed!
Free slurpee day at 7/11. You're welcome.
Girls put you in the friend zone but forget they need a ride to work. Nah ho
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you!
Elisabeth Hasselbeck is going to Fox News, which will be a better use of her skills, such as "having a face" and "being wrong about things"
My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash... and it is gone!
I like how flies rub their hands together like tiny criminals
Every day is free Slurpee day if you own a shotgun.
It's 3am and I was wondering why there are birds still awake and chirping outside my window. Must have gotten their sleeping patterns messed up...or they probably do shift work.
Martial law is coming. Fight for your freedom. Fight for the right to live. Stop the New World Order.
The only thing us men clean at home is our browser history :)
I bet Zimmerman didn't even kill Martin. I bet it was Aaron Hernandez....
.If the head is split you must acquit
The Judge in the Zimmerman trial looks like Chris Farley
My opinions are like farts, so hard to hold 'em in. When one slips, everyone's gonna know it and at least one person is gonna leave the room.
Scenes from "The Exorcist" could have been filmed in my car while I'm stuck in traffic. 