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Which marketing genius at Trident thought that the Latin word for 'three teeth' would be a good name for a sugarless gum? 
My middle finger on each hand has a six pack.......
My imaginary friend is bullying me !! (o.0)
Your soulmate is out there. Crying in their car, listening to 90s rap while you waste your life with people you don't even like.
We spend 33% of our life sleeping, 33% wanting to be asleep and the rest apologizing to women.
I think you should fall in love with a terrible person and complain about it on the Internet for years.
I could scroll down my Facebook newsfeed and write a country song!!
Sure, I COULD stop doing that but then I wouldn't be annoying you
Never trust a dog to guard your food.
Blood is thicker than water but maple syrup is thicker than blood so technically pancakes are more important than family.
If you live to be 100, you should make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people... Like you ate a pinecone every single d
Honestly, I've never seen anyone fall because of a banana peel.
I see you there, trying to get my attention. Flashing me, you're not sexy, you disgust me. All the time I've spent waiting on you, always taking up my time, the promise of greater things...and for nothing! Go away Java update notification.
I hate when I'm scrolling through Facebook the first thing in the morning and accidentally run up on the three headed baby.. Eww
Whats the worst thing you can do to a blind person? Leave the plunger in the toilet...
How do Mexicans cut their pizza?..... With Little Caesars .... ***drops mic, Harlem shakes off stage***
When a woman says nothing's wrong that means everything is wrong and when a woman says everything's wrong that means everything is wrong. - Homer Simpson
Do you know what this town needs? Another Walmart. - said no one ever.
My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces. After that, we never played Monopoly again.
Harlem Shake....Off a cliff 