Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife's safe word is: we have 5 kids!

   I'm just a few smartphone apps away from never having to talk to anyone again.

   If you decide to dress up as Lance Armstrong for this Halloween, just remember to give all the candy back at the end of the night.

   Well, today I realized that boobytrap backwards is partyboob, I think I've learned all that is possible for my brain to hold....

   You're the shampoo in the eyes of my life.

   I hate when you offer someone a sincere complement on their mustache...and then she won't talk to you anymore.

   It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas! People are definitely getting in the holiday spirit, CRABBY, GRABBY and RUDE!

   Guys can be friends for months and not know each others' real names.

   Me: I cleaned all the dishes Mom: aren’t you going to put them away too? Me: you have to upgrade from the trial version to the full version

   Wondering what it's like to have a kid? Take a goat to the store. That's like having a 5 yr old. Now get the goat drunk. That's a 2 yr old.

   ❒ Single ❒ Taken ✔ The NFL is back!!!!!!

   I give my dogs human names so when people ask who I drank with last night I don't sound like so much of an alcoholic.

   Watching Cameron Diaz feeding A-Rod popcorn at the superbowl made me wish I was blind.

   just finished taking care of my bills...its easy when they are paperless, just hit delete

   Men regret the girls they didn't sleep with while Women regret the guys they did.

   Jail: the government's way of sending you to your room

   What ever happened to Sex, Drugs and Rock 'n' Roll ? All we got left is AIDS, Crack and Techno !

   If you have to wake me up to ask to borrow something, the answer is hell no.

   Going clubbing. ok, it's just to Sam's Club, but I'm trying to make it more glam.

   Sometimes, you have to burn the bridge behind you to clearly see the road ahead.