Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I give my dogs human names so when people ask who I drank with last night I don't sound like so much of an alcoholic.

   I want rich people problems. Like where to park my yacht.

   Today my eight year old daughter told me Bieber is lame, and I was so happy!!! THANK YOU GOD!!!!!

   The guy who said "It's better to have loved and lost" never accidentally dropped his 2nd Reese's cup in the dirt.

   Some people are like water balloons, they're more fun when you throw them out the window.

   My insomnia is getting worse. I was wide awake all day at work yesterday.

   If you decide to dress up as Lance Armstrong for this Halloween, just remember to give all the candy back at the end of the night.

   Well, today I realized that boobytrap backwards is partyboob, I think I've learned all that is possible for my brain to hold....

   You're the shampoo in the eyes of my life.

   I hate when you offer someone a sincere complement on their mustache...and then she won't talk to you anymore.

   It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas! People are definitely getting in the holiday spirit, CRABBY, GRABBY and RUDE!

   Watching Cameron Diaz feeding A-Rod popcorn at the superbowl made me wish I was blind.

   just finished taking care of my bills...its easy when they are paperless, just hit delete

   Men regret the girls they didn't sleep with while Women regret the guys they did.

   Jail: the government's way of sending you to your room

   What ever happened to Sex, Drugs and Rock 'n' Roll ? All we got left is AIDS, Crack and Techno !

   If you have to wake me up to ask to borrow something, the answer is hell no.

   Going clubbing. ok, it's just to Sam's Club, but I'm trying to make it more glam.

   Sometimes, you have to burn the bridge behind you to clearly see the road ahead.

   Ladies just cuz he locks his phone when he leaves the room doesn't mean hes cheatin...Now if he locks his phone...then takes the battery out...then moves the bookshelf which leads to an vault that he puts his phone in...Then ok maybe hes cheating