Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There are two reasons I would never drink toilet water. Number 1 and number 2.

   For Halloween I'm going to write "Life" on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers

   Women who think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach are aiming a bit too high.

   How do you tell whether your wife or your dog likes you more? ... Lock them both in the trunk and when you open it later see which one is happy to see you.

   I ripped a 8 second fart and my girlfriend says "You're gross." I ran out of the room yelling "YOU DON'T SUPPORT ANYTHING I DO!"

   I am addicted to Cold Turkey. Not sure how I will ever quit that one.

   R.I.P PHIL HARRIS FROM DEADLIEST CATCH. WE LOVE WATCHING YOU

   Rapper: " I'm killing snitches, then I smoke a blunt get high and F*ck they b*tches" *wins award* Rapper; "I just want to thank god..."

   Pants up don't loot!!!

   Dear girls who take a pic in slutty clothing & glasses & label the caption "nerddd lol" You're not a nerd, you're a w$ore who found glasses

   Bill Clinton was recently seen smoking a pipe. When asked why he wasn't smoking a cigar he said, ''Cigars are for pu**ies." Clinton rules!

   Remember ladies, your body is a temple, not a theme park

   I hate when I have trouble opening a jar or bottle I closed myself earlier -- a time when, obviously, I possessed superhuman strength and no regard for the weaker me I would eventually become.

   your really ugly, please stop trying to take seductive pictures of yourself...

   Why can't rappers rap about nice things? YEAH GIRL I'm GOING TO TAKE OFF ALL YOUR CLOTHS AND ....... Give them to a homeless guy because he's cold

   You can tell all you need to know about a person by whether they bring the banana to their mouth or mouth to the banana.

   Who else thinks ambulances and fire trucks would be more efficient if they played "Move b!tch, get out the way" instead of using a siren?

   Have you ever eaten a Hot Dog backwards?

   Our boss called the office together this morning to show us where all the plug sockets are. I hate power point presentations.....

   death gotta be easy cause life is hard. It'll leave you physically, mentally, and emotionally scarred