Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Do you think they still give out chips in Gambler's Anonymous?

   I just decorated my bedroom to look like my desk at work so I can fall sleep faster.

   I don't know why I ever signed up for Facebook. I mean like seriously, this dating website sucks!

   Please don't say piracy is a victimless crime... Escape Plan 2 is 1h 45m of my life I will never get back again

   As I gaze out of my window as I have so many times before, sipping my morning coffee, I feel so at peace knowing that I got the last of the creamer.

   Forty years ago I asked this beautiful woman to marry me . . . She responded with, "GET LOST, CARL! YOU CREEP ME OUT!"

   Back in the day google was the encylopedia.

   Whenever I played the piano when I was a kid, my dog would howl. Eventually getting fed up with the dog's howling. My dad said for goodness sakes, can you play something the dog does't know.

   When people hate you, hold your head high and your finger higher.

   there are two words in life that will open many doors for you: pull and push.

   Whenever someone says, "I think of you as family," I always assume they're gonna start screaming at me for something that happened 20-30 years ago...

   Q: What do "Deadliest Catch" and "Jersey Shore" have in common? A: They're two reality TV shows about catching crabs.

   Please don't give me any of your attitude. I already have plenty of my own.

   I'm still trying to find where that gold is at in these "the golden years"

   If you're born in November, your parents probablity had a fun Valentine's day.

   How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”

   In alcohol’s defense, I've done some pretty dumb shít while completely sober too.

   Think I'm going to keep covering my face with a mask after the pandemic as they're really helping my dating life.

   SYNONYM [Noun] A word used in a place of the one you can't spell.

   I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.