Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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Page: 97 of 6387

   messageicon So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
←Rate | 10-16-2019 18:04 Comments (1)  


   messageicon I think I’d respect captain crunch more if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat
←Rate | 10-24-2019 14:14 Comments (0)  


   messageicon It's a good thing that not everyone owns a smartphone..Someone has to HONK when the light turns green.
←Rate | 12-10-2019 18:40 by MiMisHouse Comments (0)  


   messageicon How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
←Rate | 12-10-2019 09:48 Comments (0)  


   messageicon it really necessary for the first square of a roll of toilet paper to be glued down?
←Rate | 11-01-2019 11:09 Comments (0)  


   messageicon It's hard to get out of bed but I just have to remember that the world can't revolve around me unless I'm standing.
←Rate | 11-30-2019 12:08 Comments (0)  


   messageicon "No thanks. Not this time. Nah, I'm good. I had that done last time. No thanks. No. I'll have my mechanic check that. No thanks. No thanks. No thanks. Next time. No thanks. No thanks. No thanks. I just want the oil change."
←Rate | 11-17-2019 10:53 by BobBogin Comments (0)  


   messageicon I love how flat-earthers believes the other planets around us are round.
←Rate | 11-18-2019 01:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
←Rate | 02-19-2020 07:00 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Oh I can walk the walk. Just don't ask me to jog the jog or run the run...
←Rate | 02-20-2020 18:44 by Gabe Comments (0)  


   messageicon I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
←Rate | 03-03-2020 17:35 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Coronavirus is cancelling everything but my bills
←Rate | 03-13-2020 08:25 Comments (0)  


   messageicon All those unmatched socks are gonna finally be put to good use with the toilet paper shortage going on.
←Rate | 03-13-2020 14:00 Comments (0)  


   messageicon There will be a baby boom in 9 months, after this thing pass but them babies will be known as the Quaranteens
←Rate | 03-14-2020 10:19 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm at the age where an "all-nighter" just means I didn't have to get up to pee.
←Rate | 04-19-2020 16:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I don’t mean to brag, but a lot of people have discovered how the unfollow button on Facebook works because of me.
←Rate | 04-25-2020 20:06 by Vaterpop Comments (0)  


   messageicon I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
←Rate | 06-17-2020 15:13 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My neighbour's 4-year-old has been learning Spanish since lockdown. He still can't say "please" though, which I think is poor for four.
←Rate | 06-19-2020 08:28 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Shia Labeouf sounds like something you do after eating Taco Bell
←Rate | 06-24-2020 15:53 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Oh come on this is ridiculous! It’s July 8th and people are still setting fireworks off. One almost caught our Christmas decorations on fire.
←Rate | 07-07-2020 22:01 by DJJackson Comments (0)  




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