Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What's the best thing about being single? Having the bed all to yourself. What's the worst thing about being single? Having the bed all to yourself.

   If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won't ask you to cut the vegetables anymore

   So on "The Bachelor," a guy gets to make out with 20 different hot women and each one of them is convinced that he'd be the perfect husband. And this is a "reality" show?

   A smart man covers his ass. A wise man keeps his pants on.

   I don't know about you, but I've thought about running away more as an adult than I ever did as a child.

   If your child is eating Tide Pods, you failed as a parent.

   Doctor: Do you use any illegal drugs? Me: Depends on the state.

   Everyone is gifted......But not everyone opens their present

   OK. Who is the genius who decided to call it Box Wine and not Cardboardeaux?

   Today’s hairstyle at Walmart is called, “And I didn’t brush my teeth either.”

   If someone doesn't get started on my laundry soon I'll be wearing a suit to cut the grass tomorrow morning

   Jack and Jill went up the hill, to fetch a pail of water. But with your help, we can put a well in their home village. Hi, I'm Sarah McLachlan....

   Any way I see it Jack and Jill were both idiots... Who in the hell goes up hill to find water?

   I want to lose weight, but I don't want to get caught up in one of those "Eat right and exercise" scams

   I just got a gig as lead singer for my car.

   Ultimately, I have no hard feelings, wherever my missing socks go, I hope they find happiness

   You really can't say your laundry is done unless you are completely naked

   Some days parenting's like The Sound of Music but with less singing and more hiding from the Nazis.

   So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.

   I think I’d respect captain crunch more if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat