Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What's brown and rhymes with Snoop? Dr. Dre.

   To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m turning my house into an Italian restaurant.

   * Me with the Dr. they assigned me in my new HMO... Doctor: Ted, you're dying...... ME: My name's not Ted.... Doctor (checking clipboard): Linda, you're pregnant.

   I don't need fun to have alcohol.

   It takes 42 muscles to frown, but it takes no muscles to be completely expressionless all the time.

   Today I am bewitched, bothered, and bewildered. Also not wearing pants.

   That uneasy moment when you realize the garbage goes out more than you.

   That which does not kill me has been everything so far.

   If you ask for one of my fries, sure, I'll give you one. But don't think for a minute that I'm not FURIOUS about it.

   The world won't change until there's a tampon commercial where the girls are all curled up on couches and angrily drinking wine.

    I have this condition that prevents me from going on a diet. I get hungry. 

   Advancements in phone technology are making it really difficult for me to make new excuses as to why I am ignoring them.

   First Rule of Business: Stay the hell out of mine!

   When you accidentally like a stranger's picture as you scroll on your smart phone.#stalkerfail

   maury... a one man crusade to make fathers day a celebration for all men.

   I was just totally swept off my feet by this guy at the bar. Well, not my feet exactly, but this bar stool. Ok, maybe not swept per se, but...Alright, fine! I fell off the bar stool while he was watching. Happy now?

   I'm not saying you're dumb, but you look like the kind of person who would bring a 'Free Hugs' sign to a knife fight.

   When my girlfriend is angry, I go to Facebook and constantly refresh my relationship status to see if I'm single again.

   The Amazing Spiderman was good but they didn't cover the part in his life where he co-founded Facebook...I assume that will be in the sequel...

   I feel bad making fun of all these idiots I work with. I still do it, but at least I feel bad.