Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I was younger I used to sneak out Of my home to go to parties, now I sneak away from parties to go home.

   Girlfriend: Mick, I'm miserable in our relationship. Me: FOR REAL? Girlfriend: Yes. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I've lost 10 lbs. Me: So you're saying it's over? Girlfriend: Well, not yet. I wanna lose 15.

   I love dieting I'm actually on 4 diets: Chinese, American, Italian and Mexican.

   The reason grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup are such a great combination is because they are the same basic ingredients as pizza.

   Never buy crystal meth from a guy with a full set of teeth. He's obviously an undercover cop.

   Just remember son -- when you text a girl, you are also texting at least 5 of her friends.

   Any coincidence that OJ gets parole about the same time that Ford Motor Company brings back the Bronco?

   When this is all over, we'll need to wear our masks backwards for 3 to 4 weeks to get our ears back to normal...

   Adulting is putting back a pack of chicken for $8.58 because you see one for $8.17...

   Me: sorry mom, called you by accident.. Mom: no worries, had you by accident.

   Ever notice how that toothpaste falls so easily off your brush, but you can't wash it down the drain if you wanted to...

   Looks like Bloomberg got stopped and frisked during the debate...

   Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.

   New pickup line: hey why don't you come back to my place, I have toilet paper😉

   So showing up at the bank with a mask and gloves is okay now

   If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.

   If you are driving alone in your car with a face mask on... Stay home... Even after this is over...

   All the major casinos are complaining about how much money they’ve lost. Now they know how we feel!!

   Everything I need to know in life I learned in First Grade... if you poop your pants they let you go home.

   My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier. So I’ve got that going for me.